


Post-Flea-Bath Wolf Pup Before Going to Rehab Facility

by Superstition_hockey



Series: Witchering Pays but Botany Doesn't [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Youtubers, Crack Treated Seriously, Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't, Gen, Geralt of Rivia aka Gerry from Chicago, crossover?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23177998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superstition_hockey/pseuds/Superstition_hockey
Summary: Twitter meme:  "The last TV show you watched is now getting a crossover with the last video game you played. What is the unholy abomination that has just been  created?"Welcome to Witchering Pays but Botany Doesn't
Series: Witchering Pays but Botany Doesn't [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1666258
Comments: 40
Kudos: 341





	Post-Flea-Bath Wolf Pup Before Going to Rehab Facility

**Author's Note:**

> A Modern Au ficlet series in which Geralt is still a Witcher but he might also have a double life as a misanthropic botanist who runs a YouTube Channel, and Rivia is the Chicago of The Continent. Crack treated seriously.

Geralt makes the first ones mostly for Eskel, part of a long-running, multi-layered inside joke involving a Rivian accent he hadn’t used in at least 60 years. 

Also, Geralt likes plants. Plants are nice. Plants don't murder a bunch of girls and dump their bodies down a well, and then act very surprised when a Noon Wraith starts haunting the town.

And Eskel’s stuck in Kovir on his own shitty job, so Geralt uploads the first one and sends him the link. It doesn't get that many likes, but Geralt didn't expect it to. Eskel shares the link with Lambert, who shows it to Vesemir, who texts Geralt to say "at least you were listening," when the third video is mostly a verbatim recital of Vesemir's lecture on hellebore species, given in the strangely poetic cadence of a Rivian crime boss he and Eskel had both run afoul of almost a century ago. 

Then he finds the wolf pup. 

He finds himself talking to the thing all the way to the wildlife rehab place, and he couldn't say why he films except maybe it's a way to talk without being himself. Geralt has nothing much to say most of the time, but this projection of himself, this person who's not the famous witcher Geralt of Rivia, just a knuckle-busting guy from Rivia’s south side who knows a lot about plants, maybe that guy, in those videos, has plenty to say about trees, and flowers, and apparently, weak, sick, orphaned wolf pups too. 

_But you guys are supposed to be super sensitive to loud noise and just general human fuckery,_ he rambles to the wolf pup, swaddled in towels, as he loads him into a box on Roach's bench seat. And honestly, Geralt can empathize. As the kids are saying these days, hard same. 

The wolf pup stays at the wildlife facility, and Geralt goes back to his motel room, uploads the video with a minimal amount of editing -- because, honestly, he couldn't give less of a shit if Eskel doesn't like his camera angle transitions -- and then goes to bed. 

When he wakes up the next morning, the video is on the front page of YouTube, he's got tens of thousands of views, and over ten thousand "likes."

Geralt’s pretty sure he doesn't _want_ idiots on the internet to like him, but also he's not going to _stop_ doing something just because of idiots on the internet either, so he resolves to stay away from cute baby animals and stick to rambling tirades about plants. 

He scrolls through the comments and maybe half of them aren't as enraging as he'd guessed they’d be, and also _Yen_ has somehow found the page -- she's texted him _and_ left a comment. He knows it's her, even though he doesn't recognize the handle; he'd recognize the particular lilac and gooseberry flavoured snark anywhere. 

There is also a comment not from her, similar to all the rest, and only noticeable because the viewer (handle "_dandelion_") has clearly gone through and watched _every other_ video of his afterward and left a comment on each ranging from "what the fuck this guy is so relaxing to listen to?" to "i am obsessed i cant stop watching these," to, on his most recent post (before the wolf pup) about Skelligen wolfsbane, the memorable, "fuck me, plant daddy." 

Geralt snorts, closes the app on his phone, picks his swords up off the bed. Hopefully Lambert doesn't ever read Geralt's comment section. He'd never hear the end of that one. He throws his pack over his shoulder, hops in his truck and heads back onto the Path.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired, obviously, by the Crime Pays but Botany Doesn't series on Youtube which is amazing and which everyone should watch.  
Many thanks to Dangercupcake for beta-reading.  
Do not post to other sites.


End file.
